When all you can do is struggle on through

I’m really, really struggling right now. 

I spend so many nights rocking a baby who wakes every couple of hours, who since Christmas cries so much! He never used to be a crier but recently he is and his poo is yellow and chalky ish, he barely eats any food, he chucks everything on the floor & cries, the only thing he will eat are bisuits! He doesn’t like the feel of food on his hands so won’t eat it just throws it on the floor. He’s just started accepting orange juice (pure, watered down lots!) 
The girls are both proper stubboutn little know it alls and are really challenging.

There’s been too many family deaths, we’ve lost 6 family members in 3 years. My partners mum was and always will be the hardest to bear. I only knew her for about 2 years but I lived with her for about 18 months of that. She was a second mum to me, a best friend, she stuck up for me when. I had social services involved because sassys dad felt the need to be spiteful and report me ( it was all closed real quick when they realised he was just being stupid) 

My labour and what happened after has also ruined me, instead of embracing the fact that I survived and being thankful for that I get down and cry about the fact I almost died. Would anyone even have cared if I had? I still get nightmares about it, flashbacks and complete terrifying moments. 

I’ve put on so much weight since having little L too, I used to be a little size 8-10 now I’m size 14-16 and I hate my body, I hate looking in the mirror, I crop myself out of photos because I cannot stand it. I hate my body so much. 

I just feel like I’m drowning under everyones issues.